bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
