So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Randomize
