you have to choose: penises or morals?
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
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