Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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