Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
