genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize