he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
