On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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