Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
