it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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