I can't breathe out the right side of my face
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
