I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
