remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
