i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I need moral support for this bender
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
