im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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