the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize
