Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
