you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
