how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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