I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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