they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
