She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
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