At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
