my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
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