You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize
