Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Randomize
