I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
so much tequila, so little girl.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
