I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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