So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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