I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
