it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
