I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Randomize
