man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I forget how to act sober
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize