Michael Bay diarrhea
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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