didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
