I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
