I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
