I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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