just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Randomize