I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Less talking, more tequila
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
