the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
What drink are we having for lunch?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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