She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
