your parents love me but you hate me
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
