my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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