just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize