brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
