I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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