I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize