I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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