dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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