i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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