Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Randomize
