I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
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