Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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