I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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