Your mouth is God's brothel.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
