His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
