I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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