i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
