I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Randomize
