I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Randomize
