Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
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So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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