Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Is Oprah even human
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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