I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize