I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
i think my cat just said my name.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
